


Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe

by wreathed



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: Ficlet, First Time, Fourth Wall, Humor, M/M, Monologue, Relationship(s), Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-05
Updated: 2010-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-22 17:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wreathed/pseuds/wreathed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: Charlie Brooker/David Mitchell: Brooker constantly mentally narrates his relationship with Mitchell in the style of a Screenwipe episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe

Charlie and David, having worked themselves up to vocally electing to spend time with each other when they get the chance rather than just running into each other at panel shows – not that David’s personal panel show cottage industry is easy to avoid, mind – eventually concede that they must be friends of some sort. With a common interest in ranting about the collective failings of humanity and being utterly useless at _Guardian_ Christmas parties, the two meet in a variety of hilarious pseudo-sitcom situations – if they were in a sitcom that could only afford studio sets for two grotty flats and a pub.

Whenever there’s a scene at ‘Charlie’s flat’, Charlie and David sometimes watch television. Predictable characterisation inevitably means that Charlie criticises the show that’s on and David criticises Charlie for criticising daytime shit leading to Charlie criticising David for criticising what is essentially his job until there’s so many different sorts of sniping, all of it funnier than your will ever be and fuelled only by Doritos and a solitary chicken sandwich, that you want to kiss his stupid mouth just to shut him up.

Oh.

*

Five series’ (alright, three months) and a few more career successes later, the writers have dragged out this ‘awkward unrequited mooning-eyed lust so obvious a drunk bat would notice’ storyline for as long as they can, and David still hasn’t noticed. If their lives actually had been accompanied by that whooping and cheering sitcom studio audience that have supposedly had nothing better to do since _Friends_ ended, at least the clueless David would have been earlier alerted to the frustrated Charlie’s advances as David’s thousands of adoring fans loudly call for the union as they _just want David to be happy!_.

In a series finale so unrealistic that Charlie believes afterwards that he hallucinated the whole thing, Charlie mumbles to David the reason why they shouldn’t hang out so much anymore until David successfully shuts him up by showing how much he returns Charlie’s guilty feelings. With his mouth.

After the credits have rolled comes the longed-for moment: the curmudgeons rut filthily against each other underneath Charlie’s bedcovers, David panting breathily against Charlie’s neck, Charlie wanting to touch David everywhere at once, and it all cumulates in a result that’s about as titillating as– actually, that’s pretty fucking titillating David, _fuck_ , do that again...


End file.
